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Weddings and the Cultural Gap

Mixed weddings are on the rise. The Internet and social networking sites have shrunk the global village. When you ask married couples how they met, a good number of them will say they met on an international online dating site and decided to cross oceans to meet so they could "inspect" each other. Many of them end up falling in love and marching to the altar.

But what happens when couples who are blindly in love decide to get married and six months later realize that there's a huge cultural divide between them? One of two things can happen:

• They either settle their differences and reach a compromise to save the marriage

• They split up because they don't think the marriage is worth saving

Mixed Marriages: Religion

When we say "cultural gap" or "cultural divide", we mean cultural differences arising from different faiths, or differences arising from race and geography. Both types lead to culture shock. Husband and wife wake up one morning, dismayed that the person they promised to spend the rest of their lives with is not the person they met before the wedding.

People from identical religious cultures that cherish the same values usually don't have a problem adjusting. For instance, Protestants marrying other Protestants from different faiths would most likely not have a major cultural problem; we see numerous successful and happy interfaith marriages. A husband can be an Anglican while the wife can be Lutheran, and both somehow will find common ground on key issues like raising and educating children, holidays, rituals and other considerations.

We've witnessed marriages where the man was Jewish and the woman was Catholic, and in more traditional Jewish cultures, the woman is expected or is requested to convert to the Jewish religion.

Certain religions do not impose any restrictions on mixed faith weddings such as the Church of England, the Church of Scotland, and the non-conformists or what are called "free churches."

If you're marrying a Quaker, be aware that you need to meet with two representatives of the Quaker faith who will determine whether or not you truly understand what the Quaker traditions are. The most striking thing about Quaker weddings is that they are very simple ceremonies. The couple simply makes a sacred vow to love and support each other in front of families and friends. There are no bridesmaids or grooms or processions. The wedding itself does not follow a set order ot rituals and there is usually no music.

If you're marrying a Muslim, be aware that marriage is considered a very sacred institution by this religious group. Family life is important to all Muslims because they see it as a Gift from Allah. Muslim wedding ceremonies can be held either at home, in a temple (Mosque) or in a community centre. Muslim brides wear very decorative native dresses with lots of jewelry.

Marrying a Foreigner

Here are some tips if you are going to marry a foreign national. These guidelines should help you decide what steps to take to avoid disharmony in the home.

• Occidental or western cultures instill many values. Still, it is worthwhile to find out from your spouse what values he or she cherishes and nurtures. For instance, some cultures like having large family reunions every week and open their houses to relatives 24 hours a day. This might be a little overwhelming for someone who is not accustomed to being around large families and might feel uncomfortable about the "constant invasion" from well-meaning family members. We knew of one man who almost filed for a divorce because his wife's family were always around and had no qualms about staying for lunch and dinner. The husband felt his right to privacy was being violated;

• Raising and educating the children - decide with your spouse well before your wedding date how you're going to raise and educate your children. This is an issue that could potentially spark arguments. For example, we knew of a couple who constantly fought over their son being away from home. The husband was British and he was raised in the tradition of young children being sent away to boarding school; the American wife thought this was not the way to educate a young child. She wanted to send her son to a local nearby school so he could be with them;

• Meals - this may seem a trivial issue but some religions strictly forbid the eating of meat. Before you get married, make sure you discuss with your spouse what food is to be cooked at home.

• Holidays - before getting married, discuss with your spouse if you will be taking holidays together or separately. While couples normally take holidays together, some couples have been known to fight about when and where to vacation.